Life is Plastic

MSN runs inane “attention gapping” articles everyday about the things we are always hoping we can find easy answers to such as exercise, dating and careers. The articles usually have titles like “100% Job Satisfaction Guaranteed: In One Easy Step“, then the entire article will be about how you should find a job that allows you to do what you love. Uh, great idea… that should be easy enough! As a reader when I see an article entitled something like “The Easiest Way to Lose Weight“, I think ‘yes! that is EXACTLY what I need, FINALLY someone has made the impossible possible- easy weight loss!’ but then as I read the article all it tells me to do is eat healthy and exercise regularly. Uh, duh, I already knew that and have decided it is too hard which is why I read the article because I was looking for EASY.

Obviously I get how these headlines and articles work, yet, it never seems to fail that I am sucked in by the promises and end up reading several of them everyday (even the same ones sometimes since I’m pretty sure msn only has 20 articles that they just run in rotation).

So today the article that caught my eye was “20 Ways to Stick to Your Workout”... ‘oooo’ I thought, ‘I have a hard time sticking to my workouts this article will solve all my problems- Finally!’. It didn’t take long for me to realize that the article was as worthless as the last 30 articles I’ve read on msn. Well, to be fair, I guess I can’t say the article was completely worthless because I did find some entertainment value in it.

There seems to be an overarching theme in the way that this article approaches motivating people to exercise– negativity. The article gives really inspiring suggestions like make a bet with someone you don’t like, squeeze your fat and have your friends send semi-naked pictures of your fat body to your email. These are all great ideas, however my personal favorite is:

18. See your body through her eyes
Ask your wife to make like Howard Stern and identify your most displeasing physical characteristic. “It’s instant motivation,” says Mejia. If she’s hesitant, make a list for her—abs, love handles, upper arms, and so on—and have her rank them from best to worst. Make the most-hated body part your workout focus for 4 weeks, then repeat the quiz for more motivation.

Great idea! Put your spouse in the position of telling you what s/he dislikes about you. That is a great way to help your marriage AND your self-esteem. Honestly, I don’t know if I would feel like exercising after pinching my fat, looking at naked pictures of my fat and having my spouse tell me where all the fat is on my body… I think I would be to busy trying to kill myself to exercise.

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Big bad Wal*Mart has struck again! Just when it didn’t seem possible for Wal*Mart to get any meaner or more ‘monster-esq’ they had to go and Kill Christmas! According to this article by an obviously very unbiased msn writer, Wal*Mart has single handedly ripped the sweet, magical Christmas dreams away from families across the country by discontinuing their Layaway program. I must confess that I didn’t know that the success of Christmas has been riding on the back of Wal*Marts layaway program all these years, but I guess it does make perfect sense.

The real, everyday women , Carrie Muss and Jennifer Reynolds, (whom I’m sure represent a vast percentage of the population) interviewed for this article, clearly point out that without layaway they will not be able to provide their kids the gifts they so desperately need for Christmas. Not only can they not provide Christmas gifts for their kids without layaway but they also can’t buy school uniforms. Reading between the lines it isn’t hard to understand that these sweet, innocent children will experience no magic on Christmas morning and will also be forced to go naked to school which can only lead to ridicule and embarrassment forcing the kids to drop out of school thus forfeiting their education and any chance they had at a successful self-sustaining future being forced to live out the rest of their miserable days uneducated, unclothed, unhappy, unpopular and without CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!!!….<deep breath>…. AND IT’S ALL Wal*Mart’s FAULT!!!!.

But it doesn’t stop there. Wal*Mart the #1 company in the world wouldn’t settle for merely being numbered among Satan’s minions… Wal*Mart is playing to win! Wal*Mart won’t stop until it actually IS Satan!

Do you want to know what else Wal*Mart did?? Huh?, do you?

It took away the fabric department at select Wal*Mart stores around the country!

I KNOW! I was shocked myself! How could they? The impact is obvious… or, uh, actually, if the true impact wasn’t that obvious to you, don’t worry this article tells you exactly what the impact of that cruel, cruel decision has been… in order for you to feel the appropriate amount of outrage. Those poor, poor helpless little old ladies that have been forced to find other ways to get their fabric fix! I mean, what’s next? Do we really want feeble old ladies buying rusty fabric from untrained fabric cutters in the dark shadows of a back alley? What has Wal*Mart done?!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I hate Wal*Mart as much as the next person. I mean, how could I NOT hate everyday low prices, an employer that provides 1,900,000 jobs world wide and a company that donates hundreds of millions of dollars every year. But I must admit I am a tad bit confused by the whole layaway dilemma… I mean, if Carrie and Jennifer are making payments on layaway items throughout the year couldn’t they just put the same amount of money in savings to be spent once Christmas or the first day of school rolls around? I mean, I have no doubt it is Wal*Mart’s fault that everyday people can’t save their money up to buy something they want in the future, I just have to think about it for a little while to figure out what Wal*Mart did to cause people to be stupid.

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The UK Telegraph compiled a list of the 50 best Youtube clips available. If you’re  in the mood for some sweet, sweet youtubin’ check it out!

ccccccccllllllliiiiiiiicccccccccccckkkkkkkk HERE

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Yesterday I was talking to my friend “Sioux”on the phone and asked her what I should do on an upcoming date. This was our conversation:

Me: “What do you think I should suggest he & I do on the date?”
Sioux: “There are probably a lot of good factories there… you should go on a tour of a factory together.”
Me: “What? A factory? What are you talking about? What factories are you talking about?”
Sioux: “Yeah, you should take a tour of a tooth paste factory.”
Me: “What tooth paste factory? We don’t have a tooth paste factory here. What am I supposed to say ‘hey *guy* do you want to hang out on Friday night? I was thinking we could take a tour of a tooth paste factory’?”
Sioux: “Yeah, it will be fun!!! …you can go see how tooth paste is made and then follow it up with showing him how babies are made!”
Me: “That’s a great idea, I can show him how “baby daddies” are made! Or better yet how child support is made!”Sioux: “Oh, I have another really great idea… Find one of those places where you can make pottery and then rent the movie Ghost and watch that one scene where they are spinning pottery and then reenact it.”
Me: “Wow, another great idea but it might be hard to find a pottery place where we can also watch a movie.”
Sioux: “..but only watch that one part of the movie. Don’t watch the whole thing.”
Me: “Of course, because if we watch the whole movie it will kill the mood. Nothing kills the mood like Whoopi Goldberg.”

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This is my impression of Rosie O’Donnell’s blog

why must we talk
r u ready for violet love
the little elf ate a burger
2me00ers over urs

buffoons float thru the sky
beneath my plastic wig
pop goes the weasel
a we all sing
“We are the World”

one gloved hands tv time for 2
no more sludge when enuf
is enuf
backwards r is the end of
tittle tattle fiddle faddle w/ peanuts

K Fed daddy 2 b
a bakers dozen
I don’t pretense
the sow stayed silent

tricks are for kids
peace out

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Were you one of those when asked as a child “what do you want to be when you grow up?” responded ambitiously with “I want to be an astronaut!”? Well if you were one of the 999,999 children that didn’t realize their space travel dreams, turns out you are one of the lucky ones! Who knew that spending time in space could cause a herpes outbreak? The following is from NASA’s website…

“Weakening of the immune system of astronauts that may occur in the space environment could allow increased reactivation of the latent viruses and increase the incidence and duration of viral shedding. Such a result may increase the concentration of herpes and other viruses in the spacecraft.”

Upon learning this information I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened to our friend Lance Bass had his “space vaca” not fallen through.

… and what about Martha Stewart? I wonder if she knows that her high flying beau, Charles Simonyi, is going to bring home more than just a good story courtesy of a galaxy far far away.

*To read the full NASA report click here

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Another Pirate sighting this time at Starbucks. I thought advancements in technology had pretty much forced the eye patch era Pirates into extinction, but silly me, I should have known better, Pirates ain’t go’in out like dat! It appears that Pirates have just moved on to more modern digs… even Pirates can’t resist a grande carmel macchiato and some free WiFi after a long day of pillaging!

(Holla! To K-dog for snapping this Kodak moment)

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Heidi Klum is gearing up for “International Talk Like a Pirate Day” by looking the part during her appearance on Germany’s version of America’s Next Model. It is nice to see that even though the famed holiday isn’t until September 19th, Heidi has decided to get into the spirit early this year. Heidi’s designer eye patch makes me wonder if ITLAPD will become the next big Hollywood trend??

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I have been so scared, frightened, horrified, alarmed, shocked, terrified, startled, spooked, anxious … (am I feeling all the proper emotions Al?)

…anyway, what I am trying to say is that I have been totally consumed with panic because of this whole Global Warming thing. Well actually, I was worried about my skin melting off, or whatever effect global warming is supposed to have, until several places around the world experienced the coldest winter in like 100 years and the “global warming enthusiasts” changed their diabolical tag line to “global climate change”… now I have no idea what to be terrified of…? Skin boiling heat? Heads of lettuce costing upwards of $8? Dead polar bear bodies overwhelming the earth? Cryogenically cold summers? I’m so confused! All I know is that I want the polar bears to live so whatever I need to believe in order to allow that to happen is my new philosophy.

Somewhere amidst all this “Global Change Warming Climate only use one square of toilet paper” confusion I was able to find a silver lining… SPINAL TAP has reunited to speak out against “devastation”! “We are anti-devastation!” Read all about it and watch the short movie here:

http://liveearth.msn.com/spinaltap?GT1=7704

Thank you “Warming Change of the Climate Globe!”

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This person is SO giving it to the phone companies! I mean, if MCI were still in business they would be SO totally pissed if they saw this bumper sticker!!!

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